From Valhalla, with love

You cry whenever you can, whenever no one’s watching. You cry whenever you don’t have to smile. You cry because you wonder what the maggots think of your lover’s flesh as they gnaw it off his bones. You cry when you picture your beloved turning slowly to a skeleton and then to dust while time corrodes your heart and your soul instead. You cry because you wonder what your lover feels, if he can feel anything at all, what he does, if he can do anything at all. What he suffers, what he wonders, what he remembers, what he forgets. If he smiles or if he cries or is he now just like the dinner on your plate, but for maggots and for worms and for the earth. You wonder and then you cry. And your tears blister my soul. For all I do, is sleep; as if still in your arms. I sleep and I dream, as if your damp strands still caress my fever blistered face.

And in this dream, I dream of heaven.
I dream of heaven, as if it’s inevitable. As if beyond the here and now and eternity is a peace and a place so enchanting, that everything I suffer and I lament will be rendered worthwhile. I dream of heaven like a premonition. In terms of when, not if.

And in this dream, I dream of beauty.
The beauty that surpasses even that of a sun set. Or of a sun rise. Of the pink clouds we saw while driving to the graveyard. Of the red sand that the storms used to raise up through the streets that made the sky look wounded. Of the solitary bell hanging on the solitary branch that had miraculously grown away from the light to shield the pond from the sun that kept the water cool, and in turn, us, all summer long. Of the unconditional love in the eyes of that kitten you saved from hunger. Of that kitten growling at me viciously every time I touched you. I dream of beauty beyond comprehension, beyond that which is rendered by the beholder. I dream of beauty sublimated into the very essence of the air for our hungry lungs and the water for our parched throats and your kisses for my starved lips.

And in this dream, I dream of peace.
A peace so consummate that within it we find the reason for all of suffering, for all of wondering and of not knowing. Of unanswered questions and unrequited love. Of desiring without ever achieving. Of needing but not wanting, of wanting but not getting. Of getting but not having and most of all, of having but not belonging. A peace that seeps through our eyes and our ears and our nostrils and our mouths and even the pores on our skin. That seeps through and engulfs our much maligned hearts and holds them in the softest caress, like your embrace. That invokes a feeling of relief so compound that the smiles it brings on our faces alone can give birth to hope and to dreams. I dream of the peace a dove feels as it feels the wind under its wings for the first time. The one that the flowers reward by a brilliant spring when they find heat restored in the sun light. I dream of the peace that your eyes held when they found nothing but fear in mine.

And in this dream, I dream of harmony.
A harmony that belies the meaninglessness of our lives. Of the love that finds the courage to be expressed. Of hearts that beat in unison to the rhythm of the same emotion. Of a soul that finally finds it’s lost half. Of a mother’s illogical love, of a saint’s unerring devotion.. The harmony of right decisions, of good luck, of success and of rapture. Of surrender to the deserving and of fighting against all odds. I dream of the harmony of your silhouette entwined with mine. I dream of the harmony that we once knew we had.

And in this dream, I dream of purpose.
The purpose of it all. Of existing and of ceasing to exist. Of repeating our mistakes over and over. Of learning again and again. Of making the choices we believe we should and the ones that aren’t a choice at all. Of breathing, of eating, the purpose of thinking and of contemplating. The purpose of suffering when we know we don’t deserve to and of causing pain when we know we shouldn’t. Of wanting to own and wanting to belong. And of hurting equally when neither occurs. Of looking away when we should have looked on and looking on when we should have looked away. Of not being strong and of being cruel. Of loving and of hating. Of the omelet you ruined and of the tantrum I threw. Of the fear in your eyes and the fear in my heart. Of winning and of losing; and of losing all fear of either. Of ignoble desires and of unclean thoughts, of the ability to act right, despite. Of the sun rise and the sun set, and of your slightly different smile for each. I dream of the purpose of the poor and of the rich. I dream of the purpose of destiny and of fate. I dream of a purpose for existing without you and finding none, I dream instead of a purpose to wait, till I find you again.

I dream of heaven.
And of hope.
And in this dream, I dream of you.



*this is mostly fiction so please don't leave comments telling me how sad i am to be shoo in lurrve and all. This ain't for the dang EX, aight?

Saatupidooooooooo

How dumb can you be?
What teh hell was the government's intent in blocking blogspot if people can still post on it?
Good lord.
Its like they did this just to irritate people. I mean, really you cite some officious sounding blasphemy law as the basis of your Ho Hi Min style public governance methods and you cna't be bothered to make sure that your oh so fragile faith and even more fragile God actually stay safe from mortal finger pointing?
What crap!
I gotta say thanks to Xeb though. Xeb rules. I had all but given up on blogging, assuming that even publishing was impossible now untill she thoroughly humiliated me by continuing to post and then by virtually slapping me on teh bum about being a careless asswipe. Thankyou Zeb, you put me in one of those movie moments where the guy realises what a dumbass he's been all this while. Heh, bless your heart!
Also, EXPRESSOME! you have no idea how desperately i was trying to contact you because of your second last post. You seemd like a kitten floundering in a thunderstorm and i couldn't get to you because your blog wasn't accepting comments. Wanted to tell that if you enable the 'open in new window' option for your comments, that issue will be solved, now since you've posted anew, i hope you'll come here and see this and know that you were cared for even through the choke hold of tyranny upon us Pakis.
Also, Xeb is doing a report on the ban and all of us oughta flood our blogs with our throughts regarding the ban to give her ample material to work with.
As for my thoughts, at this point, i'm just flabbergasted at the sheer stupidity of the Paki Govt. I mean, what teh fuck was the point? It really does feel like they were simply bored and thought , HEY a lot of these stupid intelligent walay pakis are blogging and we oughta fart on them to get even or something. Because really, that's all this is. A harmless fart. Smelly, but harmless.
Cuz people, we may be down but we ain't out. You can try to kill the blog, but the blogger ain't gonna die.
Thankee fake proxy!
Thankee Xeb!

And special mention of Disco Papaya is also necceserary here cuz she's been posting like there ain't no ban. And that's the spirit we all ought to take inspiration from.

VIVA LA BLOGISTAN!!!!!