Remember remember the month of November, and the May we may never forget.

When I went to Dallas I found that it's much harder to find genuine e-pills there than anywhere else in the States. Maybe only for Desis, maybe that's the only city where the general populace cares enough about alien visitors to try and keep them from drugs no matter how euphoric in nature they may be.

New York is particularly bad for weed, you usually find Hydro and the Jamaicans are natural born rip off artists, then again why wouldn't a drug dealer be?

In St. Albans, WV, the strippers will dance completely nude, shaved muffs in your face for a dollar, and the lap dances are the most intimate you can hope to find anywhere in the US and the UK. They are incredibly cheap too, 5 bucks a song, but you do have to buy at least four songs to start with. They will not complain no matter how long you make the session go but they will walk out if you don't tip them after every song, and when closing times comes, no amount of money will keep the stripper from heading home to her daughter or son or cat or books. If you make a good (rich) enough impression you might get to drive her home, and if you don't know what that means you're not ready for a strip club excursion yet. If you study locally, you are very likely to find the too hot to be approached chick from economics 101, slithering down a fireman's pole for your viewing pleasure or biting your clothed crotch, if you're rich enough. But when you buy cocaine, you end up with crushed Motrin instead… then again what the hell else were you expecting for 10 dollars a gram? Huntington is the best place to fill up a Ford Expedition with horny, FOB pakis because people are too unaccustomed to desiness to feel anything but amusement.

New Jersey is Mushroom Capital. Saturday nights, if you find yourself anywhere near the Rutgers' New Brunswick campus, one of the hole-in-the-wall pizza shops is bound to serve spiked pizzas which can lead to an extremely frightening experience if you're not mentally prepared to be butt fucked in the head. This will, however, ensure that you never bother with the cow-dung grown head tripper ever again, which is a good thing. Trust me.

Arlington, TX has the nicest e-heads ever. They will give you the night of your life just cuz and the local college girls are as close to the classic down south, home grown, next door hotties that you can ever hope to find in a now very plastic world. They fuck kindly, almost philanthropically… if they weren't on ex, they'd probably make excellent nuns. Beer kegs are dirt cheap here, and Keith is by far the best keg-stander dude I've ever seen.

Refrain from driving up I-10 through Mississippi during the day time because you'll end up missing the hypnotizing effect of the swamps on the general environ. The fog hangs a few feet off the ground, like suspended in mid-air and the way the light of oncoming cars spreads, lighting each particle in its range, is a sight only a stoned person can enjoy. But it's worth it. Make sure, however, that you have a full tank of gas to get you clear across the state. Hunting for open or even automated pumps at 2 am in places where no light exists for miles and wouldn't be visible 2 feet away even if it did exist is an experience so frightening that it will drive 10 years worth of intoxication right out of your system.

Georgia does, infact, have an upper speed limit. You're likely to forget that if you're a FOB and its dark because the speed limit signs are few and far between. The cops there will assume you're dangerous if you're driving as fast as the car will go, they will frisk you and they will be helpless if you have an international driving license.

The Hertz people are as gullible in Hicksville, WV as they are in Yankee Doodle, NY, because they will accept your Kroger Card aided, badly printed and wide scotch tape laminated fake Driver's License as long as you look excited enough. Mustangs are the best cars to rent because they're utterly useless as cars but great gobs of American muscle fun as tire shredders. Camaros suck major ass. Camry's are excellent for getting BJ's while you drive and no cop will ever pull you over for minor infractions in that cookie cutter appliance, always rent the white ones they slip under the radars most smoothly.

Accords are the best starter cars in the world, slightly modified they will give a stock 'vette a run for its money to the point where it becomes a lot more about guts than muscle. Don't EVER forget to have your timing belt changed.

Women in Florida will break out into impromptu dances if you have the right song blaring from your woofers, and they will flash you even when you have no beads to give. Cuban women can make mountains dance, if they so desire, no one can grind like a Cuban on coke. No one can make out like a Paki on love.

Mexican women will swallow, Indian women don't moan, Russian women have the prettiest areolas in the world and Arabic/middle-eastern/Lebanese women are the most damn desirable of them all. Speaking strictly sexually, of course. No one can make a better spouse that a Paki grown right.

Houston is the worst-best city in the world, depending on your luck. Chicago is the most under rated one… you can fall sound asleep on a public bench through lunch hour without getting robbed of everything you own and you can get your visa approved while you sleep if you're honest enough with the authorities. The onion is the funniest newspaper ever printed. Virgin Atlantic is the best damn airline, period. They serve proper silver and china in economy class and they have the most gorgeous, most friendly stewardesses who will flirt with you like it was hooters and you were the birthday boy.

Charleston has the best hooters' girls.

American skies are generally more expressive than anywhere else in the world. Their range of emotions is remarkable. Always rent a car with a sun roof. Or better yet, a convertible. And drive like you've never driven before, the states were meant to be seen through untinted car windows. In America, you don't need CDs, the radio kicks ass.

November is the worst month for falling in love. May is the worst for breaking up. This is constant  across the universe.