I am
Therapeutic insurgence of well worded taunts by parents and siblings and friends who find comfort in my pain is most of what comprises communication these days.
You are a recluse, they say. A monk. Hibernating, isolated, an island. Alone, bereft, sullen. The expletives descend like monsoon showers, relentless, probing, threatening of imminent flooding of resentment and chagrin in my mind. My patience finds itself stretched to the limit of indifferent ignorance; my threshold of composed, head-bowed, pursed lower lip compliance is on the verge of being breached. I can almost feel their concern rip through my defenses to settle heavy like the truth on my conscience.
The picture they paint is colored in sorrow. The brushes they use are made of apprehensions. And still the picture is blurry, distant, obscure. Someone else’s life, someone else’s sorrow.
I feel like yelling. I feel like grabbing them by the shoulders to shake them so violently that the need to preach the accepted ways of existence as god’s decree lurches out of their constipated perceptions and gets trampled beneath the rampaging onslaught of clarity.
I’m not fucked in the head. I feel like telling them. I’m not sad or forlorn or anything even remotely relatable to being scarred by love. Shit happens. I get it. I got it long before you people did. I got it long before you even begun to understand the true nature of my purported masochism. I’m happy when I’m sad. Don’t expect me to be able to explain it. Don’t expect me to justify it. Don’t expect me to give in to your demands of acting right, of laughing and consorting and being a socially viable commodity. I’ve never been a butterfly, I never will be. Yes I’m sullen, and morose, and anti-social, narcissistic, aloof, indifferent, vindictive, corrosive… But I AM.
I am.
Comments
your not happy or sad or high or drunk or anything.
you just are.
and you're great.
I am too, always
My favourite line. We like you for who you are :)
:/ has several meanings... two of them in that context were:
:/ = chagrin at the S in the comment
:/ = "introspective post. i like. i am in think mode and my expression will look like :/"
heh
your fear that "I can almost feel their concern rip through my defenses to settle heavy like the truth on my conscience" actually materialized as your acceptance in "Yes I’m sullen, and morose, and anti-social, narcissistic, aloof, indifferent, vindictive, corrosive… But I AM."
now the adjectives you have used to almost proudly declare your inclinations... take them one-by-one and ask yourself, "would you want to be *insert adjective here*?"...
your blogging is a great read; an honest man venting it all out in the most delightfully readable form. But do not for a moment, my friend, think that it is acceptable. Understandble to the highest degree...but it should not be acceptable.
It does not take a genius to figure out that the people who do give a damn are the ones nagging you, tugging your shirt, slapping your hand, knocking your forehead and taunting your actions. Unfortunately, that does not feel good. But FORTUNATELY, it is a great way to find the people who actually do give a shit. And my friend, one's luck in the world can be directly propotional to the people around him or her who care. Care enough to resist you, care enough to correct you, care enough to piss you off and care enough to not to be liked by you.
The family and friends around you who seemingly fuck with your brain and do not understand your state are probably doing it deliberately, in a failing attempt no doubt, to not let you become what you have so eloquently - as usual - declared to have become!!!
And most of the times, ppl accepting you the way you are are the ones who dont have enough time to hassle it out with you... you follow? I think you do...
And pardon my rant, my friend, I take what a person writes a bit too seriously perhaps. I do believe that what you write is a reflection of what is going on inside at one level or the other... and not just a fashion statement or an attempt to be stereotyped heh!
peace!
would like to add one more thing, but prolly on msn.
You don't need to. At least not to me. I can relate perfectly well.
p.s: thanks for dropping by
(i forgot to add a smiley after the post script. doesn't look too warm.)
thanks
DP: Haiiiiiiiii DP. You rule babe. Thankyou for tapping into the underlying message there but then considering the one-on-ones we’ve had, stands to reason that you would get it. But yeah thts pretty much what it is, just when I’m at total peace with myself, relaxing in absolute knowledge of what surrounds me, taking time out from the rest of existence to lay in silent surrender, these people who care barge in and trun on the lights and can’t wait for me to start jumping on the bed with glee. It’s just like, please for the love of god, leave me the hell alone. Just for a bit, I wanna be only and exactly what I wanna be. Sigh, khair ppl have issues. But thanks again lil one, for getting it.
Sonia: Hmm. Its always lovely to see what particular bit hooked into whose psyche. So you shy away from the truth from time to time too huh?
WAC: Zoloft???? NOOOOOOO, I’m pissed, not depressed. Even if I was depressed, I’d never take medication. Don’t have anything against it, I know it works for some, but when a woman goes and drowns all her kids while on prescription anti depressants, I take that as a sign to steer well clear of em. Nicotine heals me, how about a pack of Red !00;s? Or a hug?
Arian: Aww, that was sweet. Thank you :D
NF: Pardon the S. I feel compelled to say that was a :S with the : missing, but it wasn’t, it was just me trying to prove how carefully DP and I read your blog, even your comments. No offence intended The S shall remain silent form this point forward.
So think mode huh? Noted.
Moody: Yaar tum jhartay buhat ho. Good sermon, but wasted on someone who knows better. Concern appreciated, logic noted, but really dude, u need to learn to be a little more forgiving with tantrums and out bursts. Sometimes, people don’t want to make sense or do the smart or right thing. Doesn’t mean that they never do. Khair, you as : ‘take them one-by-one and ask yourself, "would you want to be *insert adjective here*?"...’ Yup. At times, I do.
And as for the people who care nagging and what not, dude seriously, ne body with half a mind knows that. But see, there are times when you don’t want a correction, you just want space. And all of us need to learn to give it when it’s needed by the people we care about.
Faiza: you and moody go eat cake or something.
Saphiya: I wud think every humanoid could relate to a passing flirtation with that which goes against social mores. But moody and Faiza are exceptions so I’m even happier to know that you relate. Good to have u here.
:)D
Goldfish: Glad to mate. Glad to. Yur always welcome.
and c'mon yaar, main jhaarta nahi hoon, i just annoy, that's all :P ...
peace!
I look in the mirror , i see a reflection there,
staring in2 mah eyes
a hollow reflection,hauntening serenity
or a blissful nightmare....
i close mah eyes,and bask in the dreams,
all unclaimed,weaving the shadows so blazed
i try 2 touch my pain
but find no scars r there....
i see my coffin,my tattered body in white
my soul so shattered yet so divine
holding in 2 her womb
the grief and happiness entwined...
i lie i cheat ,i swear
for the pain ,i pray no 1 should bear
that was the first fret of my guitar
pain which is the essence
twisting,churning,screaming
but still i find it dear.......
Let me add mine to the list of those taunts [Am I doing you a favour btw?]: Get yourself another. I
t happens, though rarely, that you find enough reality that crawls over and under the supposed citadel of pain that we nurture, to make us unlove the pain--again.
It happened to me.
Since then, Past is only a remembrance, which doesn't hurt anymore. Sadly I don't miss the pain.
haven't been updating your blog eh..?