Permanent sabbatical from sanity.
From one love to the next, like shadows jumping from angle to angle.
In consistent yet thorough, stubborn yet fickle.
What good is anything if it results in nothing but sighs? Is it really even an issue to have been in love if the love dies? Can love truly die? I should be able to say, for I’ve suffered it, but I really can't for mine hasn't yet.
I would like to believe that there is yet hope for the magnificent romance that takes away everything life has to offer. That can revoke every other need from a person's heart and replace it simply with the presence of another.
I'm an idealist. I'm a dreamer... but I’m not the only one... not by a long shot.
Every day a heart breaks and with night the wounds only deepen. Nothing heals... not the heart no not ever the heart.. .and yet this godforsaken woman can make me whimper like nothing else ever could. And even in those tears is the reflection of an older love, a different love, a lingering love that refuses to subside. I make excuses... I blame it all on anger, I pretend that it’s just my masochism when it really is that divine compulsion that made Juliet pretend to die and Romeo kill himself. It is that very sour prize that once received will eat you up through and through. It leaves nothing in its wake but a cacophony of promises that you once believed and now detest. If not detest than regret, no... not regret either, simply wonder about, simply question their honesty. Simply ask no one in particular how such magnificent promises could’ve been so false.
Then you wonder where you went wrong, for you most certainly did go wrong somewhere, somehow, in between all your conviction and your confidence you took something for granted, you took something out of context and now, in the end you just sit in the dark watch the smoke from your cigarette mingle with the smoke from the bonfire of your happiness rising to some unknown apex and vanishing beyond your grasp... just like the past, just like the memories that light the bonfire, and nothing remains but sighs and ashes.
What good are memories? When they can only remind you of what you will never have again. Of moments lost to time and circumstance. Feelings buried deep beneath layer after layer of suffocating resolve and soul stealing complacency with whatever is left behind. Tears turning to stone hearts beneath the crushing veneer of hollow smiles and empty laughter.
What good are lessons learnt when the always come so late, always after the fact?
Would you really truly like to implement them to another? Would you ever really be satisfied being the perfect man to someone you can't possibly love? While the one you love receives another shallow shell of a man pretending to be perfect? It’s a vicious circle, blessed truly are those who never believe in such fantasies, to whom love remains nothing more substantial than a chemically induced state of mind.
Yes, blessed are those to whom love means nothing. Just an emotional response, not something to govern your life, not something to die for.
But what can we do? Those of us who have known love to be a spirit, an apparition of all that is considered holly and divine. Do we hold on to the residual nothingness that love inevitably leaves in its wake? Or, should we surrender to circumstance and move on along to absurdity?
Comments
The fcat is that logic, teh survival instinct, basic human nature dictates that we move on. That there is someone better out there just waiting tobe discovered. I don't deny that, i 'm not stupid enough to believe that the world ends when love dies. BUt i am stupid enough to believe that now matter how special or how brillinat or how kind or nice or sweet the someone else could possibaly be... its still someone else.
Some one else, isn't good enough. It may be better, maybe worse... but its not good enough.
Its not abt the love though, its about the person who can make you feel loved. Who can trigger this emotional response in you to the degree that you loose all comprehension of yourself, of convention and tradition.
And sure you can channel and contron an emotion if you try hard enough, but its the people and circumstances that cause the emotional respones that are hard to channel and control.
agreed?
Some one else, isn't good enough. It may be better, maybe worse... but its not good enough."
brilliant!..had a late night, (early morning?!) chat with someone and i think i finally understand what she was trying to say...
but honestly...consider yourself lucky. you can feel this pain...imagine being like someone who doesn't have the capacity to do so...like someone who can't quite see just how the colour red...ok just rambling now...good post!
and i totally agree with you when u say it is someome else.. it SO is !!.. great post...!
These words... just hit me.
Articulated. Impressive. Beautiful thoughts.
Read through your other entries.. Grin. Simply amazing. You write very well.
I'm a fan already. Keep it going.
Woman: good to have you here, one can never have enough fans, although how my cynicism wins fans is beyond me. Nonetheless, appreciation slowly chips the bitterness away and catharsis is one step closer to completion.
Why are you blogless??
Shaima: That has to be the most blatantly ego fermenting compliment ever. Thankyou :D... Amazing eh? Damn.
Nice sari btw.
Dolphin: Oh my god!!! Praying to god in gratitude? WHat are you trying to do to me woman! I'm smiling ear to ear, and it just feels so wrong to be praised so.
BUT don't stop :D
Just temme what exactly is the gratitude for??
Do i have to say i'm flattered?
as for the quote you put up, no i dun agree with that. NOthing is made in heaven except rivers of ice cold milk, and gorgeous celestial 'hoors' the promise of whom is fueling quite a bit of the evil in this world now.
But my disagreement stems from something more poignant, which will take a lot of time to explain and justify, so i'll leave it to you to decide whether you really want me to dwelve into that discusiion.
Ozair: Thnx, photoshop rules :D
caro
ps very nice writing style. i can relate with the whole "im a realist and a dreamer." you DEFINITELY are not the only one. heheheh.
Caroline: Falling in love isn't a choice. YOu can't not fall in love if its staring yo in teh face. You can deny it, you can stop yourself from pursuing it, but then your crafting for yourself a life that ends in regret. If it happens yur screwed, you hailed experience to substantiate your opinion, im surprised that expereicne didn't teach you that you cudn't really help it.
Rotu!! lol
Look who's back!
that was an off the topic thing to say.
you speak of perfection in ure post.im curious, who decides if X is the perfect/imperfect man for Y? does X decide? or does Y decide? or does Z end up deciding? and how can XYZ ever be sure if Z is even correct?
hope, beknighted, is tooo precious a thing to loose.
even after losing a love you called "holy" and "divine".
"What good is anything if it results in nothing but sighs?"
aaahhhhh. the more one sighs the deeper he learns to love, the fuller he lives life.
i had a lot to say- but perhaps some other time in some other post.and pardon my randomness in what i said above- i wrote as the thoughts came and i shall not be offended if they make no sense to you.
ps: it is needless to say i enjoyed very much skimming through the window of your soul.
Luci: Wlcome back, Maula jatt.
Kay: :D. Thankyou... thankyou ever so much. I read your comment and i was beaming by the end of it. You raise very valid questions. Very valid indeed.
first cynicism... in my experience we cynics don't win many freinds. It seems that people now are essentially more aware of the need for jovial company than say in the time of Ghalib. But yes, i see your point about earning fans... although i would've hoped for a more flattering answer... but it makes sense and therefore i will not argue the point. Besides i think its good to be able to drown your misery in someone else's blood. Vicarious catharsis anyone?
As for perfection... i don't do equations but as far as your query is concerned the answer is x+Y/z... and no i'm not trying to be cheeky here.
We decide who is perfect for us. We know when we find that person... we may be wrong even, but seriously who else can possibaly dictate who is going to make you feel complete. We do. We alone do. But then Z gets in teh way, Z being parents and society and cultural constraints, and that just fucks the whole thing up. BEcause they deem perfection according to thier own thresholds. They measure perfection in terms of logic and balance and annual income and cooking capapbilities. I won't say they are wrong to do this, but what they do is essentially wrong, The inherent weakness in love is that it manifests itself regardless of logic and probability. That is often hard to digest, and maybe even rightly so. But i'm not debating who's right for you and who isn't, just who fits perfectly into the vaccum inside that you never even knew existed. No one can ever really know who's correct... it doens't really matter either, ther'es no way to tell what with who will work out and what won't, but whose perfect, is a matter of who makes you feel perfect.
Perfectly imperfect even. As disco papaya once so beautifully put it.
Hope... indeed is precious... but what you failed to realize is that is what actually makes the love holy and divine... imagine losing faith in a god you have trusted all your life. What hope will be left then? WHo will you hope to or hope for? Its more a lack of a reason for hope than hope itself. And please, the name is Sajjad, being addressed as beknighted is an experience i'm not very comfortable with.
And sighs... you can only sigh for so long... and then you're coughing blood and bad karma. Maybe its simply about point of view... but as far as i'm concerned, i'd rather be sighing from pleasure than loss.
In summation :P your comment is trully appreciated. And it makes perfect sense
I've tried to do justice to the effort you put in... the fact that something i wrote moved you to take the time out is more flattering than praise could ever be.
The window of my soul, shall remain forever open to your rocks.
I AM the jovial company you speak of although it may not seem so through my blog and i fear that us jovial people are often considered foolish for we count our blessings and not our losses even though the latter has effected us far more deeply than what we could sometimes bear. broken hearts, broken souls, broken dreams and lets throw in broken limbs for humour.
where i come from and the way i see it, the *depressed* are hailed for their ability to show their depression far more than the jovial are hailed for hiding it.
Unfair eh?
and contrary to what you seem to believe, i think the cynics have far more friends and admirers than the positively optimistic ones.
the only problem is...a cynic doesnt *need* them.
and now perfection.
its not really perfect till its *perfect* and possibly nothing can ever be *perfect*. if Z be society / culture/parents then i think you got ure equation wrong for X and Y cannot possibly be *divided* by Z. that sajjad is the equation for IMPERFECTION.
X+Y+Z= perfection.
now that is an ideal equation ii just wrote. life is never that perfect now is it? so what does that make us? cynical idealists i suppose.
now moving away from everything i have written and discussed above...
hope and faith. faith is something FAR FAR FAR greater than hope and it was not brought up in what you wrote. if i had a choice though id give us hope in a heartbeat to keep my faith with me.
now hoping that makes sense i shall leave.
finally sajjad,
thank you for being patient and replying. its been a pleasure.
ps: we'd ALL rather be sighing from pleasure than loss, and we can too. par mayoosi mein eik kashish hai jo apni taraf logon ko kheenchti hai.
Thing is Kay, that I;m just not a big fan of pretending to be happy, eventhough I do it all the time for the sake of the people around me. Even if it does make you smile, the hollow pleasure of the smile is quite damningly obvious to ourselves even with our pearly whites exposed to the world. I understand the need to act the way we are expected to act because the people who genuinely care about us tend to get irritatingly probing when we let them in on how we really feel. I’m not a pessimist but I’m not an optimist either. I hover in between the two extremes according what is allowed at any given time. Truth is, I’m not depressed… bitter.. cynical, sure but not depressed. I know I come off as that through my writing, but that’s because for some reason I’ve only been able to form coherent thought when tredding to the deepest recesses of the abyss of residual emotions. But I guess the grass is always greener on the other side… you beneath your cheerful veneer, find us cynics worthy of admiration… I find your ability to keep your pain trapped inside till the end of time awe inspiring. Not to say that either one if us would like to be in the other one’s shoes… I respect you and your values all the same.
As for the quadratic anaylysi of perfection, my deduction of the equation was’t meant to indicate the formula for perfection, rather the formula that indicates the most probable result with x y and z involved. I agree that nothing is ever really perfect, but there are certain people, certain moments that make you want to believe that they are. And these are the people who are as worthy of being assumed the perfect extension of ourselves irrespective of how illogical it would seem to anyone else.
As for faith, I totally agree… without hope, we are bitter, without faith… we are nothing. I think in the absence of anything to hope for, faith alone can redeem us.
‘when negative thinking threatens your serenity, faith can keep you centered” dunno who said that, but I’ve found it to be blissfully true. Glad we finally have found something we can agree on :D
It indeed has been a pleasure, Kay, you seem like the kind of person, I could spend an eon talking to. Without ever yawning. You remind of a long lost friend of mine, with whom it was just so easy to debate about anything under the sun without ever loosing our own perspectives and constantly finding newer direction to shove our perception down.
Finally, No one wants to cry, but us masochist, and I can safely say that you too are one… find pleasure in seeking out pain .
Case in point, devdas leading paro to the alter for her wedding with another man.
Kashish mayoosi mien nahin, mayoosi kay bawajood, muskuranay mien hai.
Whatever love does to people differs vastly, yet all broken and bruised I stand and whisper, it is one emotion we all need, must and should try to experience/ cave into in life."True" love brings the best out in us, makes us better people. I've also learnt one things about love, it is a very strong and overwhelming emotion so many people can't handle it. Falling in love completely, requires a lot from a person, I don't mean that in a materialistic sense. But being able to love, being able to feel love requires a certain amount of growth in a person.
I've had my share of heart breaks like all of us, yet the power and magic has left me jaded yet stronger.
Sonia