Reaching out to hatred
How is it possible?
How?
I mean isn’t this the most absurd thing in the history of the universe?
Absurd-er even than the whole big bang theory and the humans descending from apes bit.
Even more so than S&M. And
It’s so absurd that even as I suffer it, I fail to understand it.
I wonder if this how people who like being whipped before having sex feel. Totally helpless to their fucked up minds. Slaves even to what they know is just fucking dumb but still inexplicably desired.
It makes no sense.
It has no bearing in maturity or reality or even moderate intelligence.
And I’m pretty fucking smart.
Except when it comes to this teeth grindingly frustrating situation.
When it comes to this, I lose.
I fucking lose so miserably that it’s not even funny.
In fact it’s quite sad. And pathetic.
It’s so pathetic that it makes me want to break into my skull and crush the part of my brain producing this idiocy.
I’ve even tried, but it really hurts too much when you hit your head really hard.
So I gave up and sort of decided that emotional angst is easier to bear than physical pain.
But seriously people how can a human being be sane, when despite all his otherwise normal traits he suffers from this completely unexplainable, unjustifiable but thoroughly relentless state of dementia?
How?
I mean how the fuck is this even possible?
How the fuck can you be in love with someone you don’t want to be with?
And i don’t mean love as the passing fancy, it’s LOVE, the prophesized one, the kill or be killed for one. The one that digs its claws deep inside your soul and slowly sucks your life force away until it’s nothing more than ichor stuck on finger tips. Until you’re nothing more than the extension of what you have felt so strongly for so long.
It’s just freaking weird.
And such a waste
What a waste.
EEAARGH!!!!
Hate, please, come kill love.
Comments
indifference
thats what you might want
Let me first address what I think you’re trying to say here:
W e can love again, in a nut shell is your premise, right?
Lets assume that it is…. In which case, I totally agree with you.
I’ve seen it too often to believe otherwise. I’ve stated this in many of my posts on this blog even.
But see, this particular post isn’t about not moving on, or not letting go or being submerged in an ocean there is no getting out of.
Its simply about harboring an emotional mindset as severe as Love for someone who doesn’t even appeal to you as the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It’s a very confusing state of existence, I know, and I think the post does reflect that. To try to rationalize it would be impossible. To be logical about it would be futile.
Having said that in defense of what I meant to say, I assure you there is a lot more I want to say regarding your point of view about love. Not that I disagree with it, just that I approach love from a different angle. To me, it’s not about being stingy with our feelings, it’s about the unwitting show of these feelings for a particular person. I wouldn’t want to replicate that for someone else later on because to me it feels like demeaning what I once believed very very strongly about. Doesn’t mean I’m immune to love now, just that I choose to steer clear of it, unlike some people who can’t stand the thought of existing alone.
Khair, it would be much easier if you read one of my earlier posts that deals with this situation @ http://phitaymaun.blogspot.com/2005/08/ennui.html
Once again I’m not arguing or disagreeing or saying that you’re wrong, I’m simply pointing out how people can have different opinions about the same things which essentially make no difference in the short run.
Heart break hurts me just as bad as it hurts you. Maybe it won’t last as long… but that is simply because you don’t want it. I do.
Falling in love isn’t a choice, you see. Staying in love, however, is.
Anon:
I usually don’t like anon commenters. But you’ve reached out and I would be an asswipe to ignore what you have said.
First of all, let me make myself clear.
I don’t feel dejected.
I feel angry, spiteful, vengeful, sad… but never dejected.
As long as it lasted, it was fucking brilliant.
So brilliant in fact, that I honestly don’t feel like I need to be with someone else now just to feel complete or whole or whatever. I am whole. I have been completed and even if the person who I looked at as my soul mate is going to belong to another, doesn’t take anything from me. The part of her that once belonged to me always will belong to me no putz she marries can take that away. The person that I loved doesn’t even really exist anymore cuz people change and so did she. Only thing is , I’m unwilling to follow her lead, or anyone else’s for that matter and say oh fuck it lets get married. Maybe I’m not strong enough to be that kind of a person, or maybe not weak enough.
Moving on, letting go, getting over, all these things are inevitable.
You loved someone for eight years. He couldn’t stand up for you because he belongs to a different sect of the religion? There’s not enough info there for me to gauge the intensity of his feelings for you.
What I can gauge however is that what you had is much different than what I had. I wouldn’t delete my past if my life depended on it. I’m proud of the way I loved and the way I was loved back as long as I was loved back. Losing that, deleting that would be deleting a very integral part of who I am. That ain’t happening. But that doesn’t mean that I’m so caught up in my past that I can’t look towards the future.
I can harp on and on about being betrayed, having my heart broken etc etc, but none of that is ever going to mean that I regret any single moment of what happened. Sure it would have been nice if she had remained in love with me, but I refuse to let that undermine the way I felt. I loved this woman as much as I’m capable of loving anyone and I still do. What’s frustrating though is that she isn’t the woman I loved anymore. She’s morphed into someone else now and what she is now is exactly what I never ever wanted. But I love her still and even though that isn’t a problem as such, it is annoying at times when I can’t help but care about her.
Your guy is getting married, its gonna hurt like hell. But then its gonna stop hurting and then the healing ill begin. I doubt that you’ll ever stop loving him, but you might start caring for someone else all the same. No situation is a loose loose situation when you’ve felt what love feels like. Having known it once, is ample victory in itself.
I wish you all the best Anon, closure will come.
NF: Indifference I got aplenty. But that doesn’t help all the time. Hate wouldn’t either, I’m sure. Just that the moment which prompted this post seemed hungry for something as ferocious as hatred to be at my disposal so I could say the things I wanted to say instead of worrying about her feelings.
Oh well, the moment’s gone now. I’m back to my indifferent self for the most part.
i was in a relationship for five years and it was absolutely incredible for two or three of those years. eventually, we ended it because we had both changed. it took us two years to end it because we still loved each other...and i think, in all honestly, still do. but we're in love with people that don't exist anymore, people we don't like or rather, would not want to spend a lifetime with and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they are wrong for us.
that doesn't make it easier though...every time i meet my ex (and that's quite often because we're very good friends now), i can't help but wish i wanted to be with him because i am so desperate in love with who he used to be and every man i meet has to constantly compete with someone who doesn't exist anymore.
the saddest fact is that i know i can never love anyone that way, with that much passion and abandonment ever again, not even him.
in the words of joni mitchell:
"just as one loves more and more
will one love less and less"
there now I'V actually gone on and thought about it... hahaha!! but soon... even this shall pass... :)
S: Bingo. That is damn near exactly how i felt when posting this piece, only i'm not freinds with my ex, i don't want to demean the 'thing' i had with her by niw being buddies. And i know its nore really demeaning as such, i meant with regards to the title that goes with the relationship. But khair, its strangely comforting to know that i'm not the only one suffering from this particular problem. Best of luck to us both.
And really, i'm bowled over by how similair our take on this issue is, you've said things that i feel on a regular basis. For some reason i find it comforting.
Ozzy: Lightening will strike amigo. Don't you worry. YOu can be in love with one person and yet learn to care enough for another. I hope the next time around you and s and i get people who are less likely to morph into someone else's dream.
Amen.
Having said that, i miss her.
FUCK!!!
or maybe longer even.
this valentines day naa, everyones posting about love and the like :p
Wow. Apt word verification.
"fk"gcvw
It encompasses an entire spectrum of emotion rangin from unbelievable joy to inexplicable sorrow.
No sir, no one can ever over use fuck.
long time. where u at?
*sigh*
FUCK!!!!!
ps- where are you?
maybe thats just my way of stroking something thats gone.but it helps all the same.
"And i don’t mean love as the passing fancy, it’s LOVE, the prophesized one, the kill or be killed for one. The one that digs its claws deep inside your soul and slowly sucks your life force away until it’s nothing more than ichor stuck on finger tips"
And this intensity of love you passionately describe-well hunger/want share the characteristic symptoms... Dont they ? Dont crave much ... let hate come to you, as you did when you were a child.
a: Khalil Gibran said that, and what Khalil says is often beautiful, but just as often sensless. But this time around he's got it just right. That is indeed a beautiful quote, and indeed a potent dying-fire-stoker. ;)
Anon: Life fucked me? I didn't notice it. No life didn't do jack, and teh bleeding isn't bleeding but bile being pushed up from somwhere inside by the irrepressible need to purge my system clean. So i can breathe like humans do.
Very long nick: Juliet was whack. Romeo even more so. They were idiot teenager's who really should have sought advise before doing what they did. I mean the dying in futility part, that was just so dumb, It always made me laugh.
no,its quite fun, really.
WHen would you be able to READ my comment?
And I aint no shakespeare even ...
hmmm... quite addictive i tell u