When negative thinking threatens your serenity... PURGE!

Being Pakistani has stopped being fun. Not that it ever really was “fun” but there was always a certain modicum of mirth attached to it. Now it’s primarily a stigma. The tell tale green passport tells a tale that no one wants to hear, least of all the poor unfortunate bearing the tell tale green passport. It doesn’t even matter really that the tale is a tall one; that it’s biased and manufactured specifically to misrepresent the protagonist because the world at large believes it nonetheless. And any one who has ever been scandalized knows that it’s not the lie that hurts but the fact that everyone believes it. And thus we Pakis find ourselves as the unwilling butt of a joke that we don’t even get while the world snickers behind our backs as we are led away to the ‘special’ security check at the airport.
It’s bloody unfair and it does set our blood to boil but what it fails to do is to make us understand that it’s our own damn fault. We have collectively managed to screw up this whole being a nation thing to such a monumental extent that to a remotely realistic person it seems damn near impossible that we will ever manage to find our way.
The list of our failures is so long and so convoluted that one would have to first introduce a course on the failures of Pakistan at university level, and then offer a PHD in the subject in order to begin to scratch the surface of our flaws. But at the root of it all is one universal trait that perhaps exists in all sentient beings but does not do as much damage to anyone as it does to us Pakistanis. It’s the attribute which, publically, we denounce the most vociferously, but privately embrace as a remarkable ability which makes us better than everyone else. Hypocrisy, ladies and gentleman, is the bane of our existence! Not illiteracy, not poverty, not even corruption, but Hypocrisy is what makes us the global losers that we are.
Also so the fact that we suck at it.
The Caucasians (who, due to my unabashed affection for them, I like to refer to as ‘cocks’) are by far the greatest hypocrites ever to have existed. The have the ability to start a war for oil and still keep a straight face while they tell the world the war is against terrorism, or for peace, or for freedom or whatever they think they need to say in order to have the people believe it. We are not that good. I’m sorry, folks, I know we treat the hypocrisy of our nature as a direct gift from the almighty bestowed upon us but alas it is merely an acquired skill. And yet we practice it so valiantly, with such prosaic dedication and fail at it so miserably that it is bound to elicit laughter and ridicule from the world at large. We are the Michael Scott of hypocrisy, so blindly self confident that we can’t even recognize our own incompetence.
This is why we need to surrender our commitment to hypocrisy and acquire a new vice. We are marginally proficient at hedonism perhaps that will serve us better. Then of course there is our tremendous capacity for stupidity. After all we are perhaps the only nation capable of voting for a dead person, who even when alive did not deserve our votes. We even voted for criminals who single handedly terrorized and held an entire city hostage for a decade! We believe that when we cross the road there is a force field of god’s love around us which will destroy any vehicle aimed at mowing us down and we don’t even realize that the driver of the vehicle believes the EXACT same thing and thus even if that belief was even remotely related to sanity it would still cancel itself out and we would still be on our own when crossing the road. The best part however is that when we come within a hair’s breadth of dying at the hands of our on stupidity and even though the poor shmuck in the car that almost ran us over almost had a heart attack at the sight of us materializing out of thin air in front of his car we stick our tongue between our teeth and we smile at him. We smile at him, ladies and gentlemen, and within that smile of resolute insanity lies our salvation because only by embracing the vastness of our madness can we ever hope to understand our place in the world. And what is our place in the world, you ask, we are the world’s Piñata, baby, and we lurvee it!