Total AAARGH moment...

This is getting ridiculous.

By all logical calculations, I’m supposed to be well past all remorse and regret and hope by now. It’s very near been an year since you extricated your self from my life. In lieu of my past break ups I had allowed you a luxurious extension in getting over terms considering the magnitude of our association. But by all learned opinion from experienced friends and family members, by around this time all feelings are either sorted or forgotten. And you have the temerity to linger on like strong BO.

Hmph.

That makes me very mad. And frightened. Its so futile you know. Absolutely and utterly useless to still think of you every time I allow myself to think of married bliss. It’s unfair to picture you again and again lying next to me when I wake up from a particularly grotesque dream. To feel you holding me is such a nuisance now.

I wish you’d just stop.

Just stop being here, infested in my senses, in my dreams. Stop existing. Stop smiling at me like your smile is the only comfort I seek. Stop making that sympathetic/understanding/condescending face every time I loose.

Stop invading my residual loneliness with your scent and your touch and your memories. Stop being my anchor and my crutch and my destiny. You’re not any of that anymore. You’re nothing, Absolutely nothing. Just a faceless nameless stranger who exists in this world for someone else. That’s all you have become now and that’s all you are allowed to be. Stop please just stop and leave me the hell alone.

I don’t need you when dad goes groaning from diuretic induced cramps and needs his potassium pills. And yet when I have done the needful and find my way back down to my room in the dark I still end up thinking of how you and you alone could’ve been the one to replace me in this duty. How happy daddy would’ve been to have you handing him the glass of water and the tablet and how happy I would’ve been laying in our bed waiting for you to come back, with suppressed tears and your always beaming smile.

I don’t know why I still picture you in all my dreams, why I think of you in all my tomorrows.

But I do okay.

And it sucks.

It is just the most pathetic thing ever. I hate being this way, this fucking caught up in a past that was wonderful while it lasted, but didn’t last long enough to transform into a future. I hate it. And still you’re everywhere.

What the fuck is this woman?? God? Angels? Hello?? Is any body getting this? I need a lil 911 here!!!

This is becoming a perpetual state of existence. The closer I come to letting go of you the deeper you sink into my psyche. I don’t care anymore. I don’t wonder whether you are combing your hair in your time zone now or reading one of my letters. I don’t wonder whether you have burnt all remnants of me or do you still peek at them from time to time just to remind yourself of what never to do again. That’s all in the past. But that made sense you know. The wounds were fresh so I could indulge in a little bitterness. But now, there ain’t no freakin wound. Not even a scar. But the pain just rises out of nowhere like a long forgotten volcano erupting. You still bloody exist in the nooks and crannies of my psychosis which I fail to occupy with work and responsibility and over any other every day bull shit. Playing peek-a-boo with my head…

Its like I’m being haunted by my own dreams. One random thought leads to another which runs into another and then another and Viola, from wondering about how the GDP of china has grown over the last 5 years I find myself wondering how I would love to have you make me some tea.

I mean, when did I become this sad? I’m like that asshole in a movie that makes all the women go awwwww, and all the men go, ‘loser’. When the hell did this happen? When did I metamporphosize from the hero to the forlorn side kick? And why the hell am I being so overly dramatic about this anyway?

I’ll tell you why.

Because no matter how occupied I become with mundane existence. No matter how dad’s sarcasm or mom’s sad faces upset me, how much I worry about my sister’s marriage falling apart. Beneath it all, buried under the dust and grime and smog and toxic waste of every day life, I miss you.

I miss being able to just be myself with you. Being vulnerable, being breakable. Being imperfect and careless and rude and angry and passionate and lecherous and lustful and horny and insane. I let myself go. I just freaking lost control with you around. And no I'm not going to diss you for throwing it all back in my face, instead I choose to feel miserable about never being able to do it anymore. Because you can only get bit once. Its like being immunized from pain… you learn to tell when to run away very far very fast. No one else is ever going to be able to make me as unguarded as you did. Simply because now, I know better.

Fuck you.

I love you.