Superman?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Superman?

Seen on Discovery channel:

A middle aged Chinese man, about 5 feet tall. With long, 70’s rock band style hair and biceps that look like they could support the weight of the world, the physical world that is, not the metaphoric one. Volume and density and mass and all.

Comes out dressed in a neon blue vest which fits like Arnold’s would on Natalie Portman. And grey Khakis.

The challenge? Pull a two-ton truck as far as he can. No big deal you think?

Neither did the sadists at the Discovery Channel. So they filled it up with Chinese men. About 30 odd little men smiling and dancing and generally making a raucous on the back of the Mazda.

Still not impressed?

Consider this…

Chinsese super man isn’t going to be pulling this ensemble of yellow skin and blue metal with his atlas sized arms…

Not even the long ass hair that actually looks like it could do the job.

No that was some Indian freak in Maharashtra putting his hair to work for nickels and dimes..

This man is Chinese after all, and they take the cake and the oven for being ridiculous.

What with their penchant for savoring the meat of stray dogs and venomous snakes and according to some rumors, fetuses.

So this guy is going to pull this whole she-bang that weighs around 3 tons now with what you ask?

Well I’ll tell you.

His Penis.

Yes, IT.

Dick ala Chinese.

Le dong.

Whatever nickname you feel more comfortable calling it by. Some people have sensibilities that could get offended if you called a penis a penis. Fucking pretentious prudes.

Any way, so he ties this blue cloth thing to IT and then a chain to the cloth which is tied to the front axle of the truck.

A grunt

A heave

And lo and behold

It pulls, and the truck complies.…

The crowd gathered around breaks out into crazy cheers. There’s clapping and woo-hoos all over the place. While I sit in utter shock.

My eyes begin to water with vicarious pain. Mouth falls open, which I quickly slam shut.

While the guy, triumphant, breaks out into a huge grin. The host looks admiringly at the THING. Which is sufficiently dressed you potty heads.

All the ladies in the house go OH MY FREAKIN GOD!!!

All the men in the house let out a collective groan.

And I can understand why:

Now its one thing to compete with size and girth and basic sexual ability but pray tell how are we, the non-freak, normal examples of the species, supposed to compete with a cast–iron, weight lifting entity.

Turns out that the Chaptas after all, don’t have plastic genitalia. No sir. Some of them have stuff made out of industrial strength titanium alloy.