Big Boss, No Shit.

I’m a lousy boss.

I’m like the constipated boss in the joke.

I can’t tell my god damned only employee that he’s an incompetent fuck. That with his attitude he will never amount to anything. That his everyday, tedious and menial tasks demand levels of commitment that he is so far absolutely unable to comprehend much less exhibit.

I failed to instill in him the simple notion of never saying no to the boss. That when he tells you to do something you damn well do it. Instead of making excuses about being up all night because it was an unexpected holiday on Friday. I tell him to fix the errors he made on the last batch of pictures and he frowns. He had the gall to frown. I learnt at that moment what it feels like to froth at the mouth from sheer anger. Disobedience in the ranks, mutiny on the bounty.

But before I could chop his head off or more realistically put the cigarette in my hand out in his ear, (this was seriously contemplated for a good 10 seconds) it dawned upon me that his insolence was ultimately my own failure. Yes, more than his father’s and mother’s. As his first employer it was incumbent upon me to inculcate in him the values of a professional. I realized that it was easy to damn the whole world for its incompetence than to accept the blame that falls upon oneself. I had tried to be a good boss, a friendly boss. Sharing dirty jokes and making small talk and giving him ice cold cokes and bumming smokes.

Therein lay my mistake. He didn’t need another friend. He needed an iron fist up the wazoo. He needed to be tempered into the responsible man that he will need to be, to be worth anything at all in life.

I also realized that I w as projecting. I remembered clearly my own first job and the asshole boss I had had. And I was hell bent upon being better, being kinder, being more forgiving and less demanding. All in all I wanted to be the ideal that I had set in my own mind for the genial, jovial mentor who I never found.

The similarities in his attitude now, and mine back then were remarkable. Friendly yet obstinate, pretending to be responsible but inherently insolent. For someone as egomaniacal as me, it is a hard reality to accept that at any given time in my life I wasn’t really much different than the general stereotype. But today, faced with this teenage zit factory’s blunt refusal to do my bidding made me realize that alas, life does come full circle, again and again.

So I fired him.

I understood then that I had learnt the wrong lesson from my first job and first dismissal. I had blamed the megalomaniac boss of mine for being the creep and failed to realize that it was my own attitude that spelt my doom. And yet, being fired had taught me that eventually you have to balance your self righteousness with the everyday diplomacy that needs to be carried out in order to make ends meet. That the man who pays you dictates your actions and he isn’t out to destroy your ego, he is simply trying to get the work done the way he wants it done.

The look of disbelief in the kid’s eyes was frighteningly satisfying for my wounded ego. His pleas were an added bonus. My absolute and concrete refusal to relent was a surprise. I ushered him out, begging and beseeching. Wishing I had security guards that could toss him out adding further insult to injury. But beneath it all I was sincerely hoping that he learns from this. That he realizes that the real world isn’t brimming with second chances. That the next time he finds himself a money making opportunity he will know how to conduct himself better. That he learns the right lessons.

And hoping also that the next guy I hire is less of an asshole. Cuz seriously, I’m a lousy boss.