today...

One year ago, in a different time zone, today was easily the most excruciating day of my life.
Now, one year after the fact, i had a full plate of nihari with maghaz and nali and desi ghee ka tarka.
Was hoping i would be depressed enough to compose something brillinatly mind bogglingly, unbearably painful. Was hoping I could finally cry. Finally come to terms with what has happened. That the sabbatical from feelings will end today, I will purge all complaints and regrets and remorse and be finally released.
Instead, I was remarkably jovial. Surprisingly alive. Had a great discussion with dad about martyrdom, gave mom a pep talk to go for a business she has been planning out for ages. Saw tears of sheer excitement for the first time in her eyes. Told my sister to take the course at Warwick she has been accepted for besides her misgivings. Spread good cheer and confidence all over the place really. Even had a half way decent chat with the ex. Successfully controlled the urge to remind her what she had wrought upon our fantasy one whole year ago. Ended the conversation with pleasent good byes. And walked away form the screen devoid of any semblance of sadness or anger or any outwardly negative emotion.
Instead of purging my system, i sit here now with a severe case of indigestion from some magnefiecient spicy Nihari. Instead of being released I find myself in awe of the way this day has unfolded emotionally for me.
You come to expect your actions sooner or later in life. You think you know yourself after a while of predictable reactions to similar situations. And then a day like today happens and you just realize that you didn't even know it but you've become a totally different animal.
I'm still unable to deduce as to why i feel nothing at all today. Not even the fimiliar numbness of emotions frozen in time too scared to be expressed with me at my most vulnerable. I just know that i am here, and she's no where near and its somehow, some what okay.

I can be working my ass off trying to not think about her and yet, randomly thinking of what she would be upto right this moment. Ironing her little brother clothes or choosing what to to wear with the pink khakis to work today. Or chewing her finger nails absent mindedly while preparing for a hard core final. And its okay.
I'm allowed to do this. From that entire four year excursion this is what i have gained. This right to wonder about a person who is now essentially a stranger for the rest of my life and make assumptions that will invariably make me smile. Like when I imagine her choosing the white top that i gave her with the silver buttons. Or ironing the collars the way she once taught me how. Or stopping gnawing at her nails remembering how i used to snatch her hand away from her mouth and kiss her fingers just to keep her from the habit.

I remember, still when these very things made me want to cry and cry even more when i couldn't. When let alone crying, beyond a sinking heart I couldn't feel anything at all. And today i'm smiling ear to ear in between pangs of acidity just remembering how she used to rub my chest when my ulcer started acting up.

You know what?
I'm bitter and i'm cynical. I hate love and i hate my ex. I want to stick a nuke so far up cupid's ass that the nose sticks out his mouth. I want to set fire to the world and dance on its ashes.
But not today.
Today of all days, i just want to sit back and enjoy the memories.
Enjoy. Not repent.
Today i want to believe that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.
Because it really is.
Its really trully is.

Today, i am salvaged.
I am free.



(lets see how long this lasts)